September 18, 2008


Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , — alsuren @ 12:40 am

In my previous post ( I think I may have misrepresented myself. In the interests of not tainting the mood of the previous post, I stopped at a point that probably showed me in a better light than I maybe deserve. Also, it probably presented me as someone who is ready for something new, but while writing it (specifically because of the things that were deferred into this post) I realised that this is not the case.

In the time between then and now, I have had two serious relationships, and backed out of both for similar reasons. We will come to them when we come to them.

We start off with me just come back from Utah. Jared demonstrated himself to be a good friend, and introduced me to Linux, which became the object of my love and energy in the absence of a muse. When I returned to Bancroft’s, my friends were good, and didn’t treat me any differently. I also met a load of new people from the year below, who were great fun. I developed a crush on Aysha, who was fighting with a crush on Rory. At some point, I tried to kiss her in the computer room, and got nothing. Some time later, there was a little roleplaying (started by her, and ending with me almost telling her to fuck off if she didn’t mean it). Other people I was [secretly] interested in during that time were Irma (mostly because she’s cute, though she lost her girlfriend-appeal for me when she got her hair permed into curls) and Qian (who often comes across as shy, and embarrassed, but when she gets passionate about something, she is quite forceful (and hot as hell, I should add)). Obviously, everyone fancied Ka, but she was well and truly attached.

Also worthy of mention is Lu. Now don’t get me wrong. Lu is a bitch. I didn’t very often miss an opportunity to remind her of this. I became her favourite seat that year (especially during film club). There were many instances of possibly inappropriate snuggling, but it became clear to both of us quite early on that there was no chance of us going out, so it was all in good fun (my whole group of friends from bancrofts were always very sexually suggestive towards each other). Also, she had a massive crush on Sam (from the last post, who is two years below me, and therefore one below her). I found this hilarious when I found out, because this is Sam, who I had down as quite possibly the worst boyfriend anyone could ever have, and Lu…. anyway: she got her man, and it lasted until after I lost touch with them both. Mel (as we treat each other these days) is similar to Lu in my mind.

Also during that year Mandy (now Amanda) who we left in the last post, got back in touch (triggered by the Marci incident). We had a relationship which started off essentially as roleplay (though I knew her to be smart and good to talk to from before), and got her into no end of trouble with her mother (I often think that she *wanted* to get in trouble with her mother). It got more serious partly out of need, because fighting Mandy’s mother takes some dedication. When I look back on it, I think of it as mostly sexual, with the fight against a common enemy as the binding that made us stronger. I think that the contrast between her arts geekiness and my science geekiness made us a good match from the beginning, but it was overshadowed by the sexual aspect in many cases.

When I went to visit her (close to Saratoga, New York) we had a blast of a time (there might be a post or two in the archives somewhere if anyone cares to look). There were a few fights with her mum (like when she thought we were being naughty in my (her brother’s) bed). There was some play, hidden from her mother, but no penetration.

When we both moved away to university, I was finding that there was too much going on in the process of settling in that I was missing by trying to keep in touch with her (observe that I didn’t really get involved in any societies in first year, as the first few weeks were spent mostly online. I also didn’t do all of the preparatory problems). Also, since her mother wasn’t there to fight against, we lost some of our strength. She was also convinced that I didn’t love her, and she possibly loved me too much. I think that if it were Marci, we would have just taken a break at this point, and gotten back together a few months later. Then again, if it were Marci, we wouldn’t have had sex. I tried to break it up and remain friends. Someday I will learn that this is impossible. Maybe I should have just let her go, and let her get back in touch when she wanted to. I don’t expect she will ever talk to me again.

Now I gained a lot from Mandy. It was her that recommended The Fountainhead to me. I didn’t read it with the same passion as she did: I simply read it as a novel. It was polocrunch who first made me aware that what I had been reading was more a work of philosophy than fiction. I really need to read it again (I’m sure my regular readers will be tired of me saying this, but I still haven’t asked Gill for my copy back). She also recommended another book on my to-read list. Annoyingly, I’ve forgotten the name, and can’t exactly ask her what it is. From what my mind can remember, it’s young adult fiction, and involves school kids and time-omniscient (and therefore fatalist) beings (Note that the wikipedia article on fatalism suggests that it is Slaughterhouse Five. I suspect that it may be right :P.)

On the other hand, ours was a long distance relationship based on sex, and therefore involved unhealthy amounts of masturbation. I have not recovered from the resulting addiction, even though it has probably already ruined my life. I have looked for help on one occasion, but it was only temporary. This is the first time I have publicly admitted to it, and I welcome help from anyone who has experience with addiction, and is willing to offer their support.

After Mandy, I had a brief thing with Charles (From Christs. Not Charlie (Cao), my supervision partner: that would be wrong). I found out that he already had a boyfriend before we did anything stupid, though he was a good kisser, and I do actually quite enjoy being overpowered, as long as I feel safe. Now while Marci had been dating some guy the second time we got together, that was different, because we’d already had something together, and I also knew about her boyfriend already. I told Charles that I wouldn’t get between him and his boyfriend. When he told me they were no longer going out, it made no difference. Last I heard he’s going strong with someone from cambs, though I’m also told he still sleeps around.

I tried to get together with Jenny at some point during first year. That never happened. It seems that Jenny is good at attracting the attention of men she doesn’t fancy, but not those that she does. In the end, she got her man though (Dave).

I also became good friends with Liz (after I ranted about my problems over MSN, completely out of the blue). Over the summer, we were both doing internships in cambs, and she dragged me dancing. There were many times when I almost ended up kissing her, but I think we both knew that it would have been wrong. We became hug-buddies, though we don’t talk so much anymore. She tried teaching me the charleston, and failed, forcing me to seek swing lessons. Turns out she didn’t like Matt and Lotte as much as her previous teachers, so she left me to it after dragging her then-boyfriend along to one lesson.

At some point in second year, when Liz was single again, I was invited to dinner (formal) with her and her friend from Christs (also a friend of Charles). It transpired that her friend was bisexual, and going out with some guy. It also transpired that she was trying to set me up with Liz. Rather than tell her why this would never happen, we just went along with it. Everyone ended up kissing everyone, and nobody meant anything by any of it, even if it was a little awkward. It’s funny now, because she’s supervision partners with Charles, and she knew about me and him before she really met him properly. Also, her boyfriend apparently gets worried about the whole hug-buddy thing. I’ve not met him though. (We were supposed to meet up this summer. Shit.)

And then we get to Gill. I initially went to dancing with the explicit intent *not* to be kissing anyone. Turns out Blues after-parties aren’t good for my resolve, but the full story of this is documented elsewhere on my blog, so I won’t repeat it in full.
Lessons to be taken from Gill include:
Don’t jump into bed too quickly. It gives you the wrong priorities (but you’d have thought I’d already known that one)
Don’t hook up with anyone who’s in a long term relationship. It makes you not expect it to be serious. If it becomes serious, you may not be able to adjust.
If you fancy someone mostly because you enjoy dancing with them, be careful, because it may not last if you over-do it.
If you are both of a small community (eg. CambridgeLindy, or an office) the aftermath will be hell, as all events suddenly become mutually exclusive.

So if you wish to add another few terms specifically for lovers (to add to the basic ones at ) we have:

Do not put yourself at my mercy, because I will destroy you.
Long distance relationships have eaten my soul. Don’t ask me to start another.
Don’t ask me to dance with you with you as your boyfriend.
I’m a massive wanker. Don’t let me sleep with you.
Please tell me you’ve got a boyfriend if I start hitting on you. If you want me to, I will wait.



  1. In the interests of completeness, since we’re on the subject of admitting to things:

    One of the reasons for going out with Charlotte was that I actually fancied a mutual friend (Alice) but knew that she would laugh at me if I asked her out. suggests that I had a problem *before* going out with Mandy.

    I also fancied Julia (Korean/Russian economist, rower, and capoeira dancer; close friends with my college daughter) during second year. I still think she’s hot, but she got herself one of those boyfriend things. Curse her.

    Also, on the subject of things that I learnt from Gill, I omitted [possibly] the most important thing:
    Treating her like she’s some kind of weak girl-thing really gets to her.

    This leads me to a quite important term (in general: not just for relationships)
    Do not treat me (or expect to be treated) any differently because of your sex.

    I don’t think that I currently meet this term in all cases (There are many grey areas: I don’t generally hug guys, because I’m scared they might not be comfortable with it. Whether this counts as a fail, I’m not sure).

    The quote “You can’t have chivalry and equality” — torchwood seems appropriate here. A possible phrasing of the term might be “If given the choice between Chivalry and Equality, pick Equality.”

    I think that’s all of the things that I thought of last night. If there are any more that come to me in the future, I will be sure to add them.

    Comment by alsuren — September 18, 2008 @ 10:13 am

  2. Jenny is also a messed-up idiot.

    Some day I may write a post like this, though I won’t post it publicly. You already know my views on friends-locking are different from yours.

    Oh, and I know it wasn’t what you meant, but do please remember that chivalry isn’t just about how you treat women – it’s an entire code of honour, and applies to a lot of other areas of life, too. Also, it is possible to have equality of value while being treated differently. But I do know that’s different from what you were saying with your last point.

    I wish I could say something helpful about the rest, but I can’t, so I won’t bother you with nonsense.

    Comment by Jenny S-T — September 18, 2008 @ 1:07 pm

  3. Having read Slaughterhouse Five, I can tell you that it probably *isn’t* the book you’re thinking of. Certainly, it involves time-omniscient beings (the Tralfamadorians), but I don’t remember any mention of school children, and I wouldn’t call it *young* adult fiction either. It’s primarily an anti-war novel (but has some sci-fi elements too). Still, it’s definitely worth a read.

    Comment by Alex — September 18, 2008 @ 2:40 pm

  4. Remember that my memory is likely to be the thing that’s at fault here.

    Comment by alsuren — September 18, 2008 @ 3:01 pm

  5. Oh, and another term, which maybe I should make explicit. This is another tricky one, which I suspect that I may become a bit iffy on (especially if I start working at a large company in the future)

    It is my belief that the utility of the population is improved by the sharing of knowledge. While I agree that some information must be kept secret, my list typically only extends as far as Private encryption keys and passwords (which come under security/authentication rather than privacy concerns).

    An example of information which I believe would be good for society if made available is the DNA record (I believe that if the entire population was on record, rather than just the criminal population, then we would be better able to trust our statistics.) If anyone wishes for me to clarify this point, I will.

    The term would be phrased something along the lines of “Any information exchanged [in either direction] may be passed on to others, unless explicitly prohibited.”

    Comment by alsuren — September 18, 2008 @ 3:24 pm

RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

Create a free website or blog at

%d bloggers like this: